I broke up...

I broke up with my long term girlfriend, Kimmy... I feel bad for her. We only broke up because we live too far away and a lot of things going on, despite ordering pizza to my old principle, using his full name, pone number, and address... It's a long story. His son happened to work at the pizza hut i called to order pizza with, and he said his dad was a cop and everything, which his dad wasn't, his dad was really a principle, and so yea, nothing much went on there...

But yes. I'm single again. There's some good and some bad in that, but at least, well, you know, i get to start interacting again, although I've already banned myself from making friends with anyone in this wretched school...

Current Mood: Vomiting.

Listening To: Projectile Vomiting.

The Best Cigarette

If you really think about it... there's nothing wrong with smoking, asides from the fact that it deducts a few seconds from life... seriously, it does. At my old private christian nazi school, thy said it deducts months from life. Liars... besides, i found this one website: http://waitless.org/ , that tells you tips on how to do things faster and surprisingly, this cooling soda trick saves a month of your life, way beyond the boundaries of what smoking can do to you. I know people that've smoked since like 12, but nothing happened. 

Smoking isn't a disgusting habit, its simply smelling something that smells really good. It makes people all smiley and enjoy their time. Feeling guilty while smoking is that last thing people should feel, cause not only are you becoming depressed, but you're forcing yourself to stand years in dread over something you like to do. It just proves you are not good enough to handle or take control of enjoying yourself.

Well, I thought I should just say that, cause lately I've been second hand smoking a lot and I luv it. Heh. I may be a happy smoker when I get older. ;]

That's all for now, so buh bah.

Some of my recent drawings, finally.

Bucksnort, Pennsylvania

Well, I haven't updated this blog in a while, a little longer than usual, and so I thought what the hell, why not keep company to those whom are bored and have no lives? Seriously, this is like a live chat with me updating semi-frequently, keeping you up to date with a bunch of crap no one probably cares about...

For some reason, the past blogs have been a little screwed with, because the fonts go bigger, then smaller, and it just gets annoying... hopefully this one don't get messed up.

-LATER-

Whew... long break there... my brain is too fried. I'm going to go projectiley vomit until all my guts have been spewed from my body, then I will have to slurp it back up. Enjoy your life. ',:]

PS: this blog was pretty pointless, huh?

Current Mood: Fartnugget

Listening To: The sound of no one coughing on me.

Youtube Account

I have developed a youtube account finally. Actually, I shouldn't say finally, cause i make like hundreds of them a day... how about I finally made an account I think I will use for the purpose of putting myself on a video screen and uploading it to a youtube account I happen to own? I like that better.

  

Well, I think it's a bit early to mention that, because all I've posted was two annoying test videos of me saying 'testing', which I will most likely delete very soon. Maybe right now. I dunno.

  

I may not even have a successful account, because I don't know if it's my camera or my computer that makes the audio constantly stutter like it did on my laptop's built in cam, before my sis broke my laptop. I want to kill her, but I'd get grounded...

  

Enuff chatter. I would give you the link, but I enjoy torturing you.

 

But waituminute... then that makes this whole post pointless.

  

Fine, put the gun down, here's the link:

http://youtube.com/profile?user=thebeastwhatsqueeks

Yes, I yam, the BEAST, what SQUEEKS.

  

Courtesy of Spooky.

Current Mood: Muffins

Listening To: Sniffing

I'm in school.

  Reading my past blogs makes me feel terrible and fat for odd reasons....

  But yes, I finally went to school on wednesday, the same day I actually didn't want to go. It's boring and most kids are gay. I met one who likes me. *cringes*. Kids aren't even supposed to be gay yet. 

  But yeah, thats all I haffta say for now. Until then, 

                                                                   J.A.P.

Current Mood: Bleak Donut.

Listening To: The beeping.

...

I've been having some bad thoughts about the school, that maybe it isn't all what I am expecting it to be. That's been happening to me a lot lately. Oh, and btw, if I didn't tell you, I am a rollng stone. I lived in about 15 houses in my life and have attended three different schools this year. This is my third one.

My ears are plugged. It hurts.

I may not be able to go to school today either, if Cirtus is lazy enough.

I regret wanting to go there...

I feel sick.

Current Mood: Ears Plugged.
Listening To: Blood pumping through my ears.

Some notes

I've been very alone in the past few weeks, so very alone, and I've been thinking...

Being alone gives you some insight on the things going on the the world or going on with you. It gives time to yourself to think about everything... Just thought maybe I'd put that. Writing in this blog is probably the only thing that lets out some of my strongest emotions asides from painting. I'm in painters block, so thats why I'm here. But thinking like this does not give me the impression of categorizing myself in under any 'hot clique', or to create any. Skull buckle belts, fake vampire teeth, or white make up on bad skin does not work well if you turn it into some stereotypical fashion style. Yet in the school I'm about to go, I am being forced to join one. So here's a list of some of these 'hot diggity clicks' there are and the resemblance it has with me.

Emo: Yes, I mostly dress darkly, just to let people know I hate them, but I am not some sad ungrateful brat or wannabe vampire. I ain't gay.
Prep: I ain't gay. But to tell you the truth, I'm not too sure what prep is, but I once saw a prep kid with short hair and an over use of gel check his chocolate phone every ten seconds and dust dust off his shoulder every time he stopped walking. I think he even winked at me. *shudders...*
Goth: Yes, I like the gloomy style, but I'm not into any Satan worshiping clubs or nightmare before christmas cults.
Skater: Do Rollerblades count?
Loner: I don't know what loners are, but my sister says its for lonely people. I'm lonely cause I want to be; I could care less if I'm friends with the most popular freaks in school. I don't want to call myself that just yet, cause I don't know if there are any nasty rumors out there.
Jock: I don't even care to play foosball, yo.
Surfer: This only goes around near shore. I don't know if I'll be one, but I do want to surf when It's summer again.
Nerds: I know a lot, but I don't get the best grades, so no.
Geeks: I HATE Star Wars.
Gangsters: I was once a gangster, but I then realized how pointless it was. Those were one of the worst two seconds of my life.
Punk: I listen to some hardcore punk rock like Mindless Self Indulgence, but lately I've been getting to classical. And some jazz and blues. But maybe... I don't know.

Well, I don't know if there are any more of them, but I think you get the point.

Current Mood: Sick.
Listening To: A plane flying by.

No time to write, but:

No school today either. I'm wondering if this cycle of rage will ever end, cause I don't see any end in sight. Anything I expect to happen doesn't. And so if I expect a good school year and better life... well, I'll write to you again in 50 years.

I'm going to throw up now...

Current Mood: Pregnant with RAGE
Listening To: My heart pumping 140 bpm.

NOW I'm going...

All the pain I suffered yesterday was pretty pointless, because it turns out the school didn't even know I existed, and I had to get the forms and sign up and return paperwork and everything, but NOW I'm going, and I have occasional stomach churns... it seems to me that I can't feel any emotional pain anymore; I'm too deluded with thoughts of how it feels for your heart to pump a certain way that tricks people into thinking they're 'angry' or 'sad' or 'happy'.

That was one long ass sentence. But I'm going to school today, I don't know if I mentioned that or not yet. Before I walked in there for the first time, I held my breath and then took my first big breath in that used-to-be prison. The terrible scent that invaded my lungs reminded me of past torture and shadows of dark memories I don't quite remember... it's like a faded photograph.

Well, I've got to go. I'm on my dads computer and I'm grounded right now, but I just thought I should let you all in on the poop. Scoop on the poop. Sounds familiar... Eh, faded memories.

Til dawn,
J. A. P.

PS: I'm thinking of going to school being known under a different identity... I've been wanting to do that for a while... but I don't know any names. Too late for that.

Current Mood: Chruny.
Listening To: The clicking of the keyboard.

9:11 am

And my dad's being lazy and not taking us to school on time.

7:02 am, same day.

I don't wanna die... I don't feel like it. I often used to, but I knew I would regret it later.

No, I'm not some emo-suicidal-lunatic kid. I'm just lunatic.

Current Mood: Gassy.

Listening To: Farts.

It's 4:30 am

  And I can't get any sleep. My chest hurts like hell. Its a complicated emotion I feel; a mixture of excitement, dread, and worry. Makes me feel like throwing up. It's not expected of my chest to behave this way... normally I'm excited for the upcoming school days, mainly to get it over with and to get on with my life. But now... crap. I have school today in four hours. Stupid cat woke me up at two. Well, at least I had 5 hours of my normal sleep routine of constant blinking. 

  I'm shaky right now. 

  Damn, and I have nothing to worry about, besides having to walk up in front of the class and be forced to expose valuable information, such as my real name. I'm thinking of going by a different name... 

  Noticed I cussed? I heard it wasn't a sin to spell it out, so yea, I may be getting more emotional over the days while posting blogs.

  Well, I'm gonna go eat something, so I'll actually be a little hungry by dinner. Bye bye.

Current Mood: Pregnant with stress.

Listening To: Human robots going about their daily lives.

It's 6:48 am

It's 6:48 am, and the sky looks beautiful. I think I may go for a walk and see the morning sunset at the shore. Yeah, thats a good idea... in fact, I'll leave right now. I'll be back to finish this gosh darn heck o a message.

-BACK-

The sun goes up quite quickly... yet sadly there is no sunset, just gray clouds and some rain... just the way I like it, most of the time. It's 7:20 now. The waves were amazing, I can't wait to go surfing... I had a dream about it yesterday, a fairly realistic dream. It had the whole trip... the cheap ass motel we checked into, looking at the waves, and surfing the waves was a miracle... but the bad part was that the wave carried me very far away and I got a bit lost, so it had it's downfall.

NOO PARAGRAPH!!! Anyways, staying up for two days has become a fairly easy trend in my recent days. I don't know why. Lately, I've just been relaxing and not really doing anything, but yet my chest hurts form all the worrying. I have no clue about what I'm worrying about, but for some reason it just hurts, and I can't make it stop... I think a majority of it is the fact that I have school tomorrow. Yes, I am finally going to school after weeks of freedom. I don't want to call it school though... school is for learning and fun, but I seriously don't learn anything, and trust me, it is not fun, so let's call school anti-school. It's just that I don't know anything besides the fact that I'm going there tomorrow. I don't know the name, my schedule, what to bring, how to prepare for it, or whatever the hell is going on. My god my chest hurts...

I feel sick.

;:-[

',:-/

Current Mood: I feel sick...

Listening To: Hardcore Squeakin' (again)

I saw Sweeney Todd.

It... was... amazing and breathtaking. I don't know what to say.

[Me sitting at my desk right now, typing this very message]:

(He feel like puddin.)

Current Mood: Sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of eating them dang chicken wings.

Listening To: Them chickens outside tryin to escape.

A sense that I rouse myself from my torpor.

  I apologize that the last message was a little screwed up here and there text-wise.

  But check this out:

  I've been awake for TWO YEARZ.

  Why is that? 

  It's because yesterday was 2007, and right now its 2008. 

  Cool, huh?

  Okay, I'll stop returning. I stayed up all night hacking and watching movies. I watched the nightmare before christmas (someone uploaded the whole movie on myspace, better see it quick before they remove it!!!!!), and corpse bride (go to youku.com and it has tons of free movies as if it were youtube, for movies). I also saw some of that aqua teen movie, and my brain was so fried then, that the movie was incredible. I mean seriously, though Im not going to start doing crack until I'm at least 60 (I don't want to be ninety, and it takes a bit to die form it), it was as if I got high on... hydrogen and oxygen. Odd... very odd...

  Oh, if I havent mentioned it before, here is my space page:

  http://myspace.com/mindlessselfexpression/

Current Mood: Grooovey

Listening To: The heavy breathing coming from under the floorboards.

Happy new 365 day set!!!

  Ah, a new year at last... Ive been kicking back since the new years party, keeping it quiet cause everyones asleep right now. Its 6 in the morning, by the way, and me and one of my rock star friends is going to let me come on stage and play bass in their band at the Galaxy. I don't know what that place is, though, but it must be good.

  But the party wasn't all good; it was kind've a hassle, and the outcome of it was stupendous:

  My throat hurts from yelling at people to shut up, my ears hurt from those sodding kids popping those fireworks in my face as well as spraying that deadly air horn, my nose hurts from inhaling all that smoke from the fire I've been playing with the whole time, my brainmeats hurt from all the thinking, my muscles ache from all the drunk people 'tickling' me, etc...

  Well, I don't have much to say now amigo (heh), but have a good year and suffer few pains, my friend.

Current Mood: The Craps

Listening To: The snoring and farts of a zillion fat piggies.